What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
