So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
