I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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