Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
