Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
