so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize