If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I wear drunk well.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
