Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
