I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
