i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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