nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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