Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
foreskin is a definite game changer
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize