Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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