Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
