There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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