I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
