it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
