What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
