My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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