You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
