Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
