mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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