We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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