He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
