Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
