Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
