Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize