I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
