I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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