I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
