I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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