There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
