Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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