Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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