My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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