Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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