What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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