4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
