While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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