What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
