i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize