dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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