apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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