Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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