no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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