so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
