East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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