I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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