It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize