I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
