remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
