Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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