My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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