never play flip cup with pint glasses
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
