..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
