Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
