The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm too high and old for this...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
