the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
