I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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